E. E. Smith

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Ahh, there they are, my negative feelings have arrived

I’m super sad tonight. I feel like I’m getting sick and I have no energy. Last night I fell asleep in my clothes for the first time in over ten years. I woke up from my stupor at 1:30am and took off my pants and just fell back asleep. I’m eating crappy frozen food and I’m always alone. Always alone. I have friends who offer to hang out but they are all busy when I ask them to come over and also, I don’t have energy to clean my house before anyone comes here so I’m not inviting anyone. And believe me, I need to clean. Josie spilled juice on the couch so one cushion cover is currently sitting in the laundry room, still not washed, just waiting to live again.

What I want more than anything is for Colin to be home. I want him to cook me dinner and hug me. I need a hug really bad but only a Colin hug will do. I need someone to help with my kids but I want it to be their dad, not a relative or sitter. I want to someone to snore next to me and make messes around the house and leave their socks to the left of the couch every night and let me rest my head on their shoulder while we watch ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’ But the only person that I want to do anything for me right now is in Texas and not even allowed to call me on the phone and it’s incredibly hard. I’ve heard his voice for a total of 15 minutes in seven weeks. I’ve read five letters from him but it’s never enough because it isn’t him. 

The only thing that can make me feel like a complete person right now is missing and can’t be here. I don’t need a man to survive the day to day. This I know, but emotionally I need my best friend and I don’t know how I’m going to survive  three more months of this.

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I’m taking a break from Tumblr. It’s too depressing lately. Sad people, sad politics, sad culture. I can’t handle it. I care about all of the above people and things but right now I need a mental break. I have too much stress right now in my life without daily reminders that everyone and everything sucks. See you later. :)

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My mom emailed this picture to me. 
This is essentially the face I make every time I have religious people come to my door and talk at me.

My mom emailed this picture to me. 

This is essentially the face I make every time I have religious people come to my door and talk at me.

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New blog:

I started a wordpress blog to chronicle my experiences in the next few months in a less tumblry format. Not that I don’t love tumblr, it’s just not right for writing organized thoughts with pictures interspersed. Here’s the new address:

www.careofcell44.com

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Wait? Really?!

Just heard an ad on the radio for a “mam party” in which you get free food, mini-massages, and mammograms and enjoy a “relaxing” time with friends.

Yes, because getting your boob squashed on a giant glass plate and x-rayed is very relaxing. Sign me up!

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Truth time:

I feel a strange superioriority over the moms of the kids in my husband’s flight at BMT. Like, yeah, whatever, I have 3 kids and the dude who cooks me dinner is gone for the next 5 months. Your son could just as easily be away at college and too drunk to text you occasionally.

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Official uniform of the summer of “if you don’t like my mom-of-three body then don’t look at it.”

Official uniform of the summer of “if you don’t like my mom-of-three body then don’t look at it.”

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I give up

I’m going to stop cleaning my house and just call Hoarders to help a girlfriend out right before Colin returns home in December.

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Watching classic mermaid films on Netflix is a good way to spend my Tuesday night.